The post below was written by board member Matt Low who graciously planned, organized, and MC’d this year’s Big Tip-Off event. Not only is it an accurate recap, it’s an incredibly entertaining read.
THANKS FOR COMING OUT FOR THE AD CLUB OF BUFFALO’S THIRD ANNUAL BIG-TIP OFF.
(The following is the actual transcript[1] of what the MC of Advertising Club of Buffalo’s Third Annual Big-Tip Off, me, said on the evening of August 30, 2013. It is purely for the benefit of those who couldn’t make it or those who couldn’t hear me that night. What is in ALL CAPS, is what was said on mic (I was yelling). What is in parens (like all this stuff), the writer, also me, will use to fill in story gaps. What is in BOLD CAPS, is what was said off-mic (I was yelling even louder). And what is in italics, is what I was thinking. Enjoy. Oh please enjoy.)
SERIOUSLY, EVERYONE, THANKS FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT. I’M MATT LOW. AN AD CLUB BOARD MEMBER.
As if you people don’t know who I am. They know who I am, right?
YES, THIS IS THE ADVERTISING CLUB OF BUFFALO’S 3RD ANNUAL BIG TIP-OFF. ALSO KNOWN AS, “GIVE THE CLUB ANOTHER 30 TO 40 DOLLARS, YA CHEAPSKATE.”
That was a joke, people. I think I saw someone smile. Wait, can they hear me?
NO, SERIOUSLY. THIS IS A GREAT EVENT FOR HONORING THOSE UNSUNG HEROES OF THE CREATIVE PROCESS: THE BARTENDER.
Okay, no one’s laughing. Or even looking at me.
THE MONEY COLLECTED IN TIPS TONIGHT BENEFITS THE CLUB’S ACADEMIC PROGRAMS. SCHOLARSHIPS AND SUCH. SO, THANKS AGAIN FOR COMING OUT. ANY STUDENTS HERE TONIGHT?
(No one responds.)
Don’t do the Ferris Bueller bit. Don’t do the Ferris Bueller bit.
ANYONE? ANYONE? BUELLER?
Dammit.
ALRIGHT, LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE AWESOME BARTENDERS HELPING US OUT TONIGHT. KEN TRABERT AND SARAH NUENDORFER OF CENERGY. DAVE NAPIERALA OF GELIA. BRYAN LEFAUVE OF SKM GROUP.
I totally just butchered his name.
SANDY GINGERICH AND VIRGINIA BATES OF ERIC MOWER. SEAN RADLICH AND KARLIE BEIL OF TRAVERS COLLINS. MIKE GLUCK OF GLUCKWORKS. ANDY DONOVAN AND BILL COUSINS OF DPOST. AND JIM HETTICH OF CROWLEY WEBB.
IN A FEW SECONDS, THEY’RE GOING TO BE SERVING DRINKS FOR YOUR TIPS. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, THE BARTENDER WITH THE MOST TIPS WILL TAKE HOME THIS SWEET TROPHY.[2] LET’S GET GOING!
FIRST UP: JIM, SANDY AND VIRGINIA, SEAN AND KARLIE, AND BRYAN.
TIP. TIP TIP. TIP.
Wow. I’m glad that’s over. What now? Drink? Drink.
(15-20 minutes pass. Our MC is now behind the bar.)
SO, IS EVERYONE HAVING FUN?
NO, THESE ARE NOT MY WIFE’S SUNGLASSES, SIR. BUT THANKS FOR ASKING. NICE FINGER.[3]
Seriously.
ALRIGHT, TIME’S UP, GUYS. SHIFT TWO, YOU’RE UP! MIKE, DAVE, BILL AND ANDY, KEN AND SARAH, GET UP HERE.
(Our MC spends the next 5-10 minutes making casual conversation.)
Boy that guy can talk. What’s his name again? His breath smelled like burnt cheese.[4] I’m kind of hungry. Okay, better push membership.
OKAY, PEOPLE QUIET FOR A MINUTE OR SO.
YES, YOU, LADY. QUIET! PLEASE?
I’M SORRY, YOU’RE GREAT.
I’ll FIGHT YOU ALL.
ANYWAY, IF YOU’RE NOT A MEMBER OF THE AD CLUB, YOU SHOULD REALLY LOOK INTO IT. THERE ARE TONS OF BENEFITS, LIKE DISCOUNTS TO AWESOME EVENTS LIKE THIS.
No one’s listening.
ALRIGHT PEOPLE, 10 MORE MINUTES.
TIP. TIP. TIP.
(10 minutes pass.)
ALRIGHT, AND THAT’S IT. STOP POURING, BARTENDERS. STOP. WE’RE GOING TO TALLY THE TIPS. IN THE MEANTIME, WE’LL AWARD THE DOOR PRIZES. TAKE OUT YOUR PINK TICKETS. WE’RE LOOKING FOR NUMBER 555689.
555689. 555689. 555689.
NO ONE? I’LL DRAW ANOTHER.
555417. 555417. 555417.
(This goes on for three straight hours.[5]
WELL, FOLKS, THE MONEY HAS BEEN COUNTED. AND COMING IN THIRD WITH $726 IS BRYAN LEFAUVE. COMING IN SECOND IS JIM HETTICH WITH $892. AND OUR FIRST PLACE WINNER WITH $934 IS DAVE NAPIERALA. COME GET YOUR TROPHY![6]
WE RAISED MORE THAN $4000 TONIGHT. EXCELLENT JOB, EVERYONE.
NOW, GO HOME. GOOD NIGHT.
I just want to go home and watch Orphan Black.
(Don’t get the wrong impression. This was a good night.)
1 “Actual” is being used very loosely here. It’s mostly true, but c’mon. I’m a writer.
2 It was not a sweet trophy. It was purchased from this crap trophy shop in my neighborhood. It had a guy in his underwear on top. And it was either that, a bowler, or a little girl playing soccer. What do you want for $30?
3 Didn’t happen.
4 This was actually a woman. And I will tell you who she was if you send me $5. [7]
5 Five straight hours.
6 Alright, it was a pretty sweet trophy.
7 Didn’t happen.